Why Trying to Please Others Can Make Us Lose Ourselves: The Real Story Behind People-Pleasing

Why Trying to Please Others Can Make Us Lose Ourselves: The Real Story Behind People-Pleasing Have you ever felt like you had to do things just to make others happy, even if it meant ignoring what you really need?  It’s something a lot of us go through. Let’s understand where this is coming from and see how we can stand up for our own needs. Where is people pleasing coming from? Imagine you as a child, depending on your parents for everything. If you displease your parents, would they yell at you? Punish you? Tell you that you are no good? As a child, you learn it’s better to do what your parents want, even if it’s not really what you want. This pattern carries on. Your friends will only accept you if you are wearing certain cloths, your employers will only reward you if you “act professional”. The problem: What if everyone stops loving me? When you stop always trying to make everyone happy, it can cause a few challenges. For instance, at work, if you used to say yes to every task and suddenly start saying no, some colleagues might not like it or find it surprising. In your personal life, friends or family might be puzzled if you stop always going along with what they want. It’s like changing the rules in the middle of a game – it can take some getting used to. You might feel a bit uneasy because you worry about disappointing others, but it’s important to remember that being true to yourself is worth it in the end. So, even though there might be a few bumps along the way, standing up for what you really want can lead to more authentic and healthier relationships. Breaking Free: Being Kind to Yourself So, how do you stop doing things just to please others and start being true to yourself?  It starts with knowing that your worth isn’t decided by what others think. You can be yourself, even if it means your parents, friends or colleagues might not agree. Does that sound a bit too easy? I think so! Breaking free from people pleasing is a long and tricky process at the end of which we can be loved by ourselves and others for who we really are.  The most important friendship we have is the one with ourselves. So, let’s treat ourselves with kindness, accept who we are, and remember that what we need and feel matters. That way, we break free from trying to please everyone and learn to love and accept ourselves for who we truly are.

Goodbye Perfectionism! The freedom of practicing impErFeCCTion

Goodbye Perfectionism! The freedom of practicing impErFeCCTion I recently started a business with two friends. We spent way too much time trying to make the perfect website. Perfect texts, perfect images, professional, yet relatable. We were pushing and crumbling under the impossibility of the task. None of us were professional website builders, writers, or designers, and yet we aspired to do better than any website ever.  It was pushing the air out of our lungs. It depressed us, made us feel small and unworthy. While we were aware of how crazy our expectations for ourselves were, we kept telling people we would only need one more week and then one more, one more. Our friends and families tried to assure us that it didn’t have to be perfect to be launched. Their pleas grew more desperate with every week. Nonetheless, with every week there was a little more. With every week, the website felt a little more like us, made us a little happier. And yet the thought of launching it terrified me beyond measure. Was I really ready to face the world with something I made that was not perfect? How dare I? Are these thoughts familiar? It’s easy to encourage others to “just do it”, but would you feel at ease with it? I was raised into an education system that compared me mercilessly to my peers, allegedly for my good. No worries, this will not be an article about the many ways our education system cripples so many of us. However, it is good to remember we all felt like master craftspeople with our first drawings, never doubting our skill and creativity. I realized only today, that suddenly it didn’t feel as terrible anymore to make things other people will see. That suddenly I didn’t feel ashamed anymore. TALK MORE ABOUT SHAME; HOW IT FORMS AND HOW TO FREE YOURSELF FROM it with disconfirming experiences. And now, after feeling embarrassed for so many hypothetical experiences, I feel less afraid. I can just make things. I have embraced my identity as a person who is allowed to be embarrassed as much as they want. I have nothing to prove to anybody. You can’t shame me. I have become shameless. That’s not true, obviously. I am just feeling power drunk on how liberating this freedom feels.  “ Ist der Ruf erst ruiniert, dann lebt es sich ganz ungeniert” (“Once your reputation is ruined, one can live unashamedly”) is a German saying, that I used to think was a warning. When your reputation is ruined, you will be so ostracized that nobody cares what you do. Only lately am I realizing that only out of this freedom can real creativity flow. Real creativity needs the space to be different. Not a carbon copy of what already exists. Something new, that gets the chance to exist. Not to revolutionize, but to have the chance to. Not to fulfill all my hopes and dreams, but to go one step up. And then one more. You get the picture.